Mirror Check: You're not independent--- You're scared. Scared to depend on people. Scared to be LET DOWN. Look at you--- believing no one cares about you more than you do.......
Trying to continue living without my mom was definitiely an adjustment. It was like someone pushed me off a cliff----- falling into a dark abyss.
"Ma, I'm not ready to fly yet!!!!!"
Every flap of my wings was a fight. An unwanted struggle between the elements , the will to live, and thought of having to continue to grow without ......... mom.
All forms of emotional maturity haulted. I lost my nurturer, my guide, my confidence, my reassurance------ I mean I'm the MINI to You..... I mean if not you then WHO?? I'm lost ma.....
I was stuck in pain, unable to navigate through the thickness and experience the trauma in its entirety. I was not equipped to. I was not ready to. I was walking through life like someone cut the sound to a horror film and I was forced to watch it without the orchestrated sounds in the background to warn me of danger. I was always anticipating the worst. Guarded. Scared. Anxious. Who was next?
In just 2 years I lost 3 grandparents and my mom.
(My mother's side of the family was emotionally unavailable. They lost a brother, sister, and both parents in less than 7 years)
However, for my dad, my brother, and myself--the adjustmet fluctuated between hope and despair. There were days we felt we could manage-- but, of course, feelings of utter defeat would loom around the corner.
Weird thing is... we never grieved together. All standing side by side but fighting separate battles. There were never dinner table conversations about our "feelings". Ha. We were just trying to survive. The walking dead. It was as if we were rowing a boat to the beat of separate drums. Some days we would go in circles, some days we would go off course, and other days we would just let the waves carry us---- but always striving to move forward. It was hard to progress a vessel forward when the mortal captain was in distress and the second in command, although willing, was not equipped to man it alone. Then there was me-- quietly following their lead.
Althouh quiet, I was very observant. I rarely shared anyting with people. I would cry randomly, but couldn't really put into words what I was feeling. I harbored those emotions deeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppp. Some things I really didn't know how to explain and some I didn't care to share. To admit loss--- HURT LIKE HELL. Somehow saying things aloud solidified it. To hear myself say mom wasn't EVERRRRRR coming back forced me to stand nose to nose with reality and take a defenseless blow to the chest----the undertone of my recurring dream.
I didn't really have "nightmares"-- but there was a recurring dream that would make my heart flutter and take my breath away.During the dream, I would be standing in the middle of an opened horse arena with only one horse inside. Just the horse and me--no adults in sight. All of a sudden the horse would trot in small circles as if the reigns were tied to a centered pole. Slowly, everything would start to expand. The distance between my feet and the horse..the fence...the trees would increase rapidly. What was once so close in proximity was no longer within my reach. No matter how much I would run or how hard I would reach.......everything kept escaping me and fading into the distance. I WAS SCARED. Left alone.. I felt stranded. No matter how loud I screamed and cried, NO ONE ever came. No one. Not. A. SINGLE. SOUL.
Who did I share my dream with?
Not a soul-- but I'm sure it manifested in my behavior. Probably explains why I seem so....................... well............................. distant.